Mal's Fate
by montez
Summary: My attempt at Mal's thoughts as he makes his way to the bridge in 'Out of Gas'


Mal's fate  
By Montez  
Disclaimer: own nothing

_A/N: Okay, I'm brand new to the Firefly/Serenity Universe. Only just discovered it in the last month, got the DVD's and just had my own marathon. This is my first fic so I hope you all are kind. I had watched 'Out of Gas' online and loved it, when I finally watched the whole series, it was still in my top three. I loved the look, feel and acting in the episode. I couldn't help but wonder what Mal was thinking as he made his way to the bridge. This is my little attempt at that. Thanks-Montez_

Mal stood, watching his crew, his family file into the two shuttles. He knew he was probably sending them to their deaths, but at least they would live longer than him. He had chosen the course that had taken then far from the realm of civilization, wanting to stay as far from Alliance inference as possible. Now his choice would most likely be the death of eight people that he had grown to care about.

There was Zoe, she had been with him since the beginning, she fought along side him in a war they were destined to lose, she was his voice of reason to his sometimes crazy plans. There was no one in his life that Mal trusted more than Zoe.

Then Wash, hell he was the best pilot around, the man could fly then through the eye of a needle if need be. Mal could still remember when Zoe had first met Wash, she had said she didn't like him, that he gave her a strange feeling, then damn if she didn't turn around within a few months and marry the quirky man. At first Mal wasn't sure how he felt about it, he had told her not to marry the pilot, but Wash seemed to make Zoe happy, she smiled more than he had ever known the woman too and for that he was grateful.

Next was Kaylee, his sweet Kaylee. Little did Mal know the young girl he had caught his original mechanic with in the engine room would be the true genius on his ship and in her own unique way change him as well. Even in the awkward situation of their first meeting she had been able to fix his ship when his original, air-brained mechanic had kept telling him that he needed more time to work out the problem. In a matter of a few minutes the prairie girl who he just wanted off his ship so his mechanic could get it back in the air, would not only fix Serenity, but Mal would offer her a job and fire the guy he had first thought was such a good mechanic. Kaylee had taught Mal how to have hope again, to see innocence again. She could find a goodness in any bad situation and he loved her for it.

Then came Jayne, there was a man he wouldn't trust on a good day, but life as a smuggler rarely had a good day, so Jayne was the man to help watch his back and his cargo. Mal had no allusion about the type of man Jayne was, a mercenary, a man who went where the biggest score was and as long as he felt he was getting a far share he knew Jayne wouldn't turn on him. The man was good in a fight, damn good, but as soon as a profit would be bigger elsewhere Mal knew Jayne would be gone. And honestly Mal had no problem with that, but what had thrown Mal a bit just before the shuttles were loaded was the fact Jayne had taken the time to seal the below decks and prep a suit for him. There was no gain in it for the rough man, no incentive when everyone one of them knew Mal was staying aboard his ship to die, but for some reason something his mother always said kept going through his mind, 'it's the thought that counts'. Maybe, just maybe Jayne too had found something aboard this ship that he didn't know he was looking for, a place to belong.

Next Shepherd Book stepped onto his ship. There was a man who at first Mal had no use for. He didn't need someone around to try and remind him to have faith. Mal had faith once, strong faith. It was a faith instilled in him by his mother, the strongest, toughest yet most gentle woman Mal ever knew. The only time she had cried was when he told her he was going to fight for the Independence. That he couldn't tolerate the fact another group of people had any right to tell anyone else how to live their life. He had held onto that faith through the war, through the news his mother had passed and through Serenity Valley. It was in that valley that he abandoned God when God had abandoned the Independence and he didn't need a shepherd to try to show him the way back. But Mal learned there was more to the older man than was on the surface and whether Mal liked it or not, Shepherd had become the conscience of his ship. He would voice reasoning when it was all but gone out the window. Would cause them to pause when first instinct was to run head first into the fight, hell he had even stopped Jayne from killing a man and that was no easy task. So he may not buy into shepherd's faith, but the man had earned his respect.

Then there was Simon and River. Mal had never dealt with the likes of those two. Simon was a brilliant doctor, Mal wasn't so far removed from proper civilization to not see that as soon as he met the man, but the unusual cargo the young man had come aboard with was the last thing Mal had expected, his mentally and emotionally damaged sister, who to the best of Mal's abilities, he was completely at a loss to figure out. One minute the girl was lucid, almost normal, the next she was screaming, crawling into a corner. He truly felt sorry for the child, but it wasn't something he had needed or wanted to deal with on his ship, especially once he realized they were both wanted by the Alliance. That was trouble he never wanted and tried his best to avoid. Yet the doctor had found a place on Serenity, they needed a real doctor and the young doctor needed to stay on the move, a good fit all around.

Finally there's Inara. The first time he called her a whore he had meant it. That's what those like her were to him; it was he had been taught. Now he says it occasionally just to get a rise out of her, she's beautiful when she on the defense. Mal had never given much thought to woman, occasionally getting together here and there with someone, but his main focus was finding jobs and staying below as many radars as possible. Zoe was the only woman he was close to and he had never thought of her that way, she was his backup, his second in command. But Inara, as much as he fought against it, had stirred something deep inside him that almost scared him and Mal didn't scare easily.

But no matter what he felt about these people he couldn't allow them to stay and face certain death when there was a small chance one or both the shuttles could be found. As he turned and headed for the bridge, sealing the doors behind him, he heard the shuttles detach from the ship. The only thing helping him face what was ahead was the hope they'd be found and his last act as Captain didn't leave two corpse filled shuttles as his dying legacy.

Mal had expected to die many years ago, but fate had been both cruel and kind. Cruel in the fact he had outlived so many men and woman that he had fought with, that he had commanded after all their commanders had been killed. Kind in the fact it had given him a chance to be free, so finally find his Serenity and take it where no one could tell him how to live. But as with the life of a soldier, and the life of a smuggler, Mal knew fate could be a bitch when it turned on you. The one time he had let his guard down, allowed himself to believe there would be a time period where he could go without the constant worry about something. That maybe, in his sky he could truly find a moment of serenity, that fate would bite him on the ass. Climbing the stairs to the bridge he knew his fate, had accepted it.

Now as he wrapped the blanket, fruitlessly, around himself and settled into the pilot's chair he could only hope he would fall asleep and that death would be merciful. Though it was against his very nature to give into fate Mal knew he would not win this one, none of them would. He glanced again at the large red button Wash had rigged for when the 'miracle' arrived, and both shuttles could return to a fully functioning ship, they both knew under the falseness of hope that it wouldn't happen, that as much as they wanted it to, they were too far out, too far away from any other ship for that to happen.

Sitting there now, staring into the nothingness of space, he never believed he would die alone, almost willingly, without a fight. He never believed, as he gave one last glance to the red button, his eyes finally drifting shut, that he would open them again in this life. After all, everyone dies alone.

_A/N2: Okay, what did you guys think? Was I even close?_


End file.
